I have decided that I must be a horrible human/woman. I am a good example of how medical science effects survival of the fittest. I should never have been born, but thanks to medical science I am here (thank goodness huh?). Mom was real sick with me during the pregnancy. I was born looking like an white ethiopian child. I even died on the way out, or at least I am sure that is what I was told.
I have always been severly underweight and riddled with sickness. I was born without my ear bones fully formed (they should be the only bones fully formed when you are born). I was allergic to breast milk so formula it was for me. I had tons and tons of ear infections and couldn’t hear until I got tubes in my ears at the age of 3.
Mostly how I remember my childhood is being at home sick or at the doctors office. I lived at Dr. Bader’s office and they all knew me by name. It seemed to be an ear infection, the flu, a cold, a sinus infection, bronchitis, mono or even once scarlett fever. I missed a lot of school every year due to illness which sucked as I loved school (it wasn’t challenging and you go to talk to your friends all day). When I get a fever it is usually around 104 +, which isn’t often thank goodness.
The only good part is that my body must have already knew that I would also have womanly issues, becuase even as a young child I didn’t want to have a child and be a mother. My mom tells stories of me playing house or Barbies (pre-school aged) and either hiding the child (it didn’t exist) or saying the kids were friends children that I was babysitting. I used to lie and tell people I couldn’t have children becuase the “pity” was easier to stomach than the “hatred” of not wanting them. Once it was official that I couldn’t have children, I didn’t have to lie anymore. Why must the world hate you if you decide you don’t want any children? Why does the world feel that every woman should have at least one child? Some women like me aren’t built for them physically and some aren’t built for them mentally (like some I know).
I have grown up with “pity” for either my medical issues, my mental disability, or “hatred” for not wanting children. I didn’t like myself for the longest time, because I listened to everyone one else (outside of family/friends). I tried to kill myself many times, yet none of them worked. Even a few stumped the doctors as to how I survived. I think this is becuase I am meant for something or someone else later, though I have no idea what/who that is.
Scientifically speaking, I should have never been born. I should have died off due to illness. I should not be here today, but that is all thanks to medical science. Which makes me think, with medical science interupting the natural order of things, is it the sole cause of overpopulation?
I learned to like myself through youth group at LEC. I will always cherish those wonderful people who took me in, under their wing, and showed me what it meant to love another person unconditionally for who they are (faults, flaws, achievements and all). They showed me that embracing your strange quirks or weirdness was not a plague and that there were others like me. Others with illness problems, mental disabilities, social disorders, physical disorders, etc. that were just as special as those without them.
I am harder on myself than anyone else ever will be. I don’t put up with physical or sexual abuse (too much in my past). I tend to put up with more emotional abuse that I should, but it is harder to see. I push myself to be the best I can be everyday, expecially acedemically. I let myself down more than anyone else can.
I love myself and I know who I am. I sometimes get off track, but don’t we all?
I am Bree. I am Breanna. I am Bray-Bray. I am Bugs. I am Tigger. I am BMW. I am me. I am sickly. I am tough. I am strong. I am able to handle pain like a champ. I am able to endure. I am a fighter. I am a giver. I am logical. I am literal. I will lose my hearing. I will not have children. I will love those around me fiercely. I will let those that I love know how much they mean to me. I have no sense of time, which keeps things interesting. I am very black and white (but items can jump sides).
What does this all mean? Scientifically speaking I should not have lived per the natural order of things, but medical science has kept me alive. (YAY!!!) I am a bad woman becuase I have no desire to procrate and make little babies. I phsyically cannot have children, thank goodness I can’t pass these medical issues on to another child to go through what I had to. This all means that I am a good human; however, I am one hell of an amazing person and that is all that really matters in the end.
One of these days I would like to find my mate, the other half to my life coin. Someone that I can share all of my life trials and tribulations with. Someone who can understand where I have come from and how I have risen above those obsticles. Someone who can be patient with me as I learn how to be softer and nicer on myself. Someone who compliments me in every way. Someone who can understand that my experiences have influenced my beliefs, my morals, my values and my outlook on things and accept them even if they disagree.
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