Slimpickins's Weblog

December 16, 2013

Questions about Sex…

Do you ever wonder if other people have sex the same way you do?

Do you ever wonder what is normal when it comes to sex?

When it comes to sexual health – what is normal and why is it difficult to talk to your doctor about it?

When you have pain with your sexual organs why is it so hard to talk to your doctor about it?

Now the big question that I need help answering…

What do you do when you want/desire sex with your partner but they don’t even think about it, let alone want it or desire it? What do you do when your partner feels nothing during sex and only does it to make you happy? What do you do when your partner has pain in their sexual organs but doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it?

I am not a person to go out of the relationship and cheat or do it willingly. I want to only be sexual with my partner.

Why do I feel guilty for staying with someone that doesn’t/can’t have sex and doesn’t get help? Why do I feel guilty for wanting to have sex with them? Why is not having sex more of an issue than having too much sex?

Can you have a good relationship when there is no sex? What if there is no intimacy?

Please only respond if you have some good honest advice. I have been working with my therapist on things, but I feel I need to branch out.

January 29, 2013

How do you decrease your sex drive?

Filed under: Medical Issues/Problems — Tags: , , , , — slimpickins @ 7:56 am

How do I decrease my sex drive? I finally have a libido and want to show my affection to my lover; however; my lover does not have as high of a libido. If I push for sex, it’s a problem. If I wait for him to have sex, it’s a problem.

I do not know what to do. I am afraid to put walls back up and turn off my sexual desire for my partner, but I do not how else to ease the stress and complications that this causes. I am sexually frustrated all the time, which makes me irritable and that never helps anyone.

I do not sex to be a chore or a burden to either of us, and yet I feel that it is already. I am getting increasingly frustrated with myself and beginning to resent myself. I am starting to not like sex and just wanting it to go away. I wish I didn’t have any sexual desires at all, it would make life so much easier.

I have tried exercise, food changes, toys, masturbation, abstinence, etc. Nothing seems to curb the desire.

If you have any ideas, please let me know.

March 27, 2012

Ginger Update

 

Ginger update:
Good News – She has no tumors on her kidneys or adrenal glands. Her liver looks a litte funny but has no tumors.

Bad News – The DR is 90% sure that she has Cushing Disease of the pituitary gland with a tumor that is pushing into her brain. This tumor would be inoperable and cancerous (only an MRI could tell and it will only show about 50% of the time on a MRI). This is not fatal,… because her personality will change and most likely turn violent before the cancer could really affect her.

I am deciding now if I do the blood test to diagnose the Cushings officially and try to treat it (expensive) or if I just keep her comfortable until her personality really changes, she gets violent or is in pain. SIGH.

March 15, 2012

New Diagnosis possibility….

Filed under: Medical Issues/Problems — Tags: , , — slimpickins @ 10:01 am

So after my dr appointment today, he thinks that I may also have Adenomyosis. I am loving all these new ideas and such.  

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002481/

I was also advised to purchase an vibrator or to have sex with my partner (which I don’t have) to test and see if the pain with sex has lessened. So now I have a new task and he would like me to update him with if there is still pain and the severity if it’s there.

March 9, 2012

Health Update – Mental

Filed under: Medical Issues/Problems — slimpickins @ 3:16 pm

I went back to seeing a therapist again. This one may help. Third time is the charm, I know it. I have been preliminarily diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder).

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001915/

Imagine this.. all the symptoms fit. I already new this, but now it’s official to some extent.

Now lets gets this back under control… so I am get back to my OCD, worry-wort state of being. 🙂

 

Health Update – physical

Filed under: Medical Issues/Problems — slimpickins @ 3:10 pm

So…. After my surgery I am now willing to post some updates.

My endo is apparently in remission :), he found scars from where the lesions were removed before, but nothing new.

My sinuses/headaches are giving me troubles, but I think it’s all just allergies again.

My toenail is almost all healed, soon I can wear heels again and my boots.

My weight – well I weighed my normal 90-95 lbs in November 2011, I now weigh 108 lbs without changing any habits. I at one time was weighing in at 115 lbs, yet no one is worried about weight gain when your under weight. It appears I need to buy all new clothes, as nothing fits anymore. Dresses, skirts, pants, shorts, etc… I hate shopping for clothes… UGHHHH can someone do it for me or go with me?

My skin is sooo unhappy with me. I am a broken out mess. My face, my back, my legs, and my arms are covered in zits and cysts.

 

 

October 4, 2011

Pain Pain Go Away

Filed under: General Life Updates, Medical Issues/Problems — slimpickins @ 8:09 am

I am still in pain, it came back yesterday with a vengenence. Making for another rather sleepless night. I tossed and turned from the pain and then when I did get to sleep I had nightmares all night. If this is the new pattern, then I wish to squash it now and put it in it’s place.

Pain and nightmares is not any better than not sleeping at all to begin with.

Word to the wise, men or women alike if someone you know is in pain or unhappy this is when a compliment, small caress or back rub goes a long way.

When I am in pain or unhappy I feel like a demon and unattractive and undesired. Guess what folks, yes that is right, I am in pain alot so I feel this a lot. It means more to me then, even if I shrug it off than when I am all gussied up. In fact I hate hearing it when I am gussied up becuase that makes me feel extra un-attractive when I am in pain and stuffs.

I am so done with all of this pain and uncomfortableness. Someone has to have a way to put it to rest, right???

 

 

September 28, 2011

Not a good human…

Filed under: General Life Updates, Medical Issues/Problems — Tags: , , — slimpickins @ 9:35 am

I have decided that I must be a horrible human/woman. I am a good example of how medical science effects survival of the fittest. I should never have been born, but thanks to medical science I am here (thank goodness huh?). Mom was real sick with me during the pregnancy. I was born looking like an white ethiopian child. I even died on the way out, or at least I am sure that is what I was told.

I have always been severly underweight and riddled with sickness. I was born without my ear bones fully formed (they should be the only bones fully formed when you are born). I was allergic to breast milk so formula it was for me. I had tons and tons of ear infections and couldn’t hear until I got tubes in my ears at the age of 3.

Mostly how I remember my childhood is being at home sick or at the doctors office. I lived at Dr. Bader’s office and they all knew me by name. It seemed to be an ear infection, the flu, a cold, a sinus infection, bronchitis, mono or even once scarlett fever. I missed a lot of school every year due to illness which sucked as I loved school (it wasn’t challenging and you go to talk to your friends all day). When I get a fever it is usually around 104 +, which isn’t often thank goodness.

The only good part is that my body must have already knew that I would also have womanly issues, becuase even as a young child I didn’t want to have a child and be a mother. My mom tells stories of me playing house or Barbies (pre-school aged) and either hiding the child (it didn’t exist) or saying the kids were  friends children that I was babysitting. I used to lie and tell people I couldn’t have children becuase the “pity” was easier to stomach than the “hatred” of not wanting them. Once it was official that I couldn’t have children, I didn’t have to lie anymore. Why must the world hate you if you decide you don’t want any children? Why does the world feel that every woman should have at least one child? Some women like me aren’t built for them physically and some aren’t built for them mentally (like some I know).

I have grown up with “pity” for either my medical issues, my mental disability, or “hatred” for not wanting children. I didn’t like myself for the longest time, because I listened to everyone one else (outside of family/friends). I tried to kill myself many times, yet none of them worked. Even a few stumped the doctors as to how I survived. I think this is becuase I am meant for something or someone else later, though I have no idea what/who that is.

Scientifically speaking, I should have never been born. I should have died off due to illness. I should not be here today, but that is all thanks to medical science. Which makes me think, with medical science interupting the natural order of things, is it the sole cause of overpopulation?

I learned to like myself through youth group at LEC. I will always cherish those wonderful people who took me in, under their wing, and showed me what it meant to love another person unconditionally for who they are (faults, flaws, achievements and all). They showed me that embracing your strange quirks or weirdness was not a plague and that there were others like me. Others with illness problems, mental disabilities, social disorders, physical disorders, etc. that were just as special as those without them.

I am harder on myself than anyone else ever will be. I don’t put up with physical or sexual abuse (too much in my past). I tend to put up with more emotional abuse that I should, but it is harder to see. I push myself to be the best I can be everyday, expecially acedemically. I let myself down more than anyone else can.

I love myself and I know who I am. I sometimes get off track, but don’t we all?

I am Bree. I am Breanna. I am Bray-Bray. I am Bugs. I am Tigger. I am BMW. I am me. I am sickly. I am tough. I am strong. I am able to handle pain like a champ. I am able to endure. I am a fighter. I am a giver. I am logical. I am literal. I will lose my hearing. I will not have children. I will love those around me fiercely. I will let those that I love know how much they mean to me. I have no sense of time, which keeps things interesting. I am very black and white (but items can jump sides).

What does this all mean? Scientifically speaking I should not have lived per the natural order of things, but medical science has kept me alive. (YAY!!!) I am a bad woman becuase I have no desire to procrate and make little babies. I phsyically cannot have children, thank goodness I can’t pass these medical issues on to another child to go through what I had to. This all means that I am a good human; however, I am one hell of an amazing person and that is all that really matters in the end.

One of these days I would like to find my mate, the other half to my life coin. Someone that I can share all of my life trials and tribulations with. Someone who can understand where I have come from and how I have risen above those obsticles. Someone who can be patient with me as I learn how to be softer and nicer on myself. Someone who compliments me in every way. Someone who can understand that my experiences have influenced my beliefs, my morals, my values and my outlook on things and accept them even if they disagree.

September 23, 2011

Endo Issues (Not for the faint, pictures)

Filed under: Medical Issues/Problems — Tags: , , , — slimpickins @ 9:12 am

Well last night was the night from hell. I know that most of you do not wish to know me this well or to see the pictures. Then leave now, before you can’t look away. I only have one picture to post now, but I will edit this post tonight and add the others. Yes I document all strange things my body does on film. It has saved my arse at times.

Yesterday was a bad pain day, but I figured it was just more clots and shrugged it off like always. Don’t worry that I had a slight fever yesterday morning (not abnormal for me) or that I have been bleeding for 3 weeks now (also not abnormal). I cried a few times like normal, but again thought nothing strange was going on.

When I went to the bathroom before bed (around 10:30 pm) I looked down into my pad and was shocked to see pink tissue in there with a few clots.  I took a picture immediately and called my mom and sent her the picture and asked if she knew what this was. While I was talking to her I grabbed a toothpick and unrolled the tissue to see that it was a thin sheet of tissue not a ball like I first thought. I shared this information with my mom. She advised me to go to the ER, however with my new insurance I have to call an advice nurse first. So I called in and talked for an hour. They are not worried about it being an emergency issue, however they aren’t sure why I would be passing tissue. The thought is that either this is uterine lining (endometrial lining) or a ruptured endometrioma (endometrial cyst).  The pain has not subsided even after passing the shedded tissue.

Took an 800 mg Motrin and tried to sleep. This did not work well, but a few hours is better than nothing. I got up and made my way into work; slowly but surely.

Got my call from the OB/GYN department this morning. They are sure this is the shedding of the Uterine wall behind the endometrial lining. They are confused as to why my body would shed this, but not concerned enough to call it an emergency. I have an appt with them at the earliest time slot; 10/17 at 3pm. Now if the cramping pain increases or my fever worsens then I need to get to Urgent Care.

I really hate being a woman, can’t you just take out that stupid useless organ called a Uterus?? I only need ovaries for the hormones, not that darn uterus anyways.

Someone please help me save myself from my body.

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