Optimistic vs. Pessimistic

Optimistic vs. Pessimistic

Hmmm which am I? I would say that I am problably 30% Optimistic and 70% Pessimistic.  I used to be 70% Optimistic and 30% Pessimistic but I think that these last few years have turned me around;  all the deaths of people close to me, all the added stress of work, all the added stress of school and having to finish, losing my partner, Ginger getting sick, etc have all contributed.

I am sure that friends or lack there of has attributed as well. I am sure all the family turmoil hasn’t helped. I am sure that quiting smoking did not help. I am sure that my ENDO issues are not helping. I am sure that hating where I live isn’t helping. I am sure that feeling cramped everywhere and always being in the way isn’t helping either. I am sure that my lack of sleep and increase in nightmares has not helped either. I am sure that my lack of free time due to work and school has not helped either.

What does help? Getting out and away from everything. When I can just pack up and leave I feel the best. When I can have a face to face conversation with someone that does not revolve around sex or me. When I am not being told what I need to do. When I am not being told how to run my life and that I can’t seem to do it myself (If I couldn’t run it wouldn’t I be dead?) When I can fill up my day with excitement and laughter. When I don’t have to drive (I used to love to drive then the last 11 years I have had to drive everyone everywhere and now I hate it). When I have someone to share things with.

Pain Pain Go Away

I am still in pain, it came back yesterday with a vengenence. Making for another rather sleepless night. I tossed and turned from the pain and then when I did get to sleep I had nightmares all night. If this is the new pattern, then I wish to squash it now and put it in it’s place.

Pain and nightmares is not any better than not sleeping at all to begin with.

Word to the wise, men or women alike if someone you know is in pain or unhappy this is when a compliment, small caress or back rub goes a long way.

When I am in pain or unhappy I feel like a demon and unattractive and undesired. Guess what folks, yes that is right, I am in pain alot so I feel this a lot. It means more to me then, even if I shrug it off than when I am all gussied up. In fact I hate hearing it when I am gussied up becuase that makes me feel extra un-attractive when I am in pain and stuffs.

I am so done with all of this pain and uncomfortableness. Someone has to have a way to put it to rest, right???