Slimpickins's Weblog

September 28, 2011

Not a good human…

Filed under: General Life Updates, Medical Issues/Problems — Tags: , , — slimpickins @ 9:35 am

I have decided that I must be a horrible human/woman. I am a good example of how medical science effects survival of the fittest. I should never have been born, but thanks to medical science I am here (thank goodness huh?). Mom was real sick with me during the pregnancy. I was born looking like an white ethiopian child. I even died on the way out, or at least I am sure that is what I was told.

I have always been severly underweight and riddled with sickness. I was born without my ear bones fully formed (they should be the only bones fully formed when you are born). I was allergic to breast milk so formula it was for me. I had tons and tons of ear infections and couldn’t hear until I got tubes in my ears at the age of 3.

Mostly how I remember my childhood is being at home sick or at the doctors office. I lived at Dr. Bader’s office and they all knew me by name. It seemed to be an ear infection, the flu, a cold, a sinus infection, bronchitis, mono or even once scarlett fever. I missed a lot of school every year due to illness which sucked as I loved school (it wasn’t challenging and you go to talk to your friends all day). When I get a fever it is usually around 104 +, which isn’t often thank goodness.

The only good part is that my body must have already knew that I would also have womanly issues, becuase even as a young child I didn’t want to have a child and be a mother. My mom tells stories of me playing house or Barbies (pre-school aged) and either hiding the child (it didn’t exist) or saying the kids were  friends children that I was babysitting. I used to lie and tell people I couldn’t have children becuase the “pity” was easier to stomach than the “hatred” of not wanting them. Once it was official that I couldn’t have children, I didn’t have to lie anymore. Why must the world hate you if you decide you don’t want any children? Why does the world feel that every woman should have at least one child? Some women like me aren’t built for them physically and some aren’t built for them mentally (like some I know).

I have grown up with “pity” for either my medical issues, my mental disability, or “hatred” for not wanting children. I didn’t like myself for the longest time, because I listened to everyone one else (outside of family/friends). I tried to kill myself many times, yet none of them worked. Even a few stumped the doctors as to how I survived. I think this is becuase I am meant for something or someone else later, though I have no idea what/who that is.

Scientifically speaking, I should have never been born. I should have died off due to illness. I should not be here today, but that is all thanks to medical science. Which makes me think, with medical science interupting the natural order of things, is it the sole cause of overpopulation?

I learned to like myself through youth group at LEC. I will always cherish those wonderful people who took me in, under their wing, and showed me what it meant to love another person unconditionally for who they are (faults, flaws, achievements and all). They showed me that embracing your strange quirks or weirdness was not a plague and that there were others like me. Others with illness problems, mental disabilities, social disorders, physical disorders, etc. that were just as special as those without them.

I am harder on myself than anyone else ever will be. I don’t put up with physical or sexual abuse (too much in my past). I tend to put up with more emotional abuse that I should, but it is harder to see. I push myself to be the best I can be everyday, expecially acedemically. I let myself down more than anyone else can.

I love myself and I know who I am. I sometimes get off track, but don’t we all?

I am Bree. I am Breanna. I am Bray-Bray. I am Bugs. I am Tigger. I am BMW. I am me. I am sickly. I am tough. I am strong. I am able to handle pain like a champ. I am able to endure. I am a fighter. I am a giver. I am logical. I am literal. I will lose my hearing. I will not have children. I will love those around me fiercely. I will let those that I love know how much they mean to me. I have no sense of time, which keeps things interesting. I am very black and white (but items can jump sides).

What does this all mean? Scientifically speaking I should not have lived per the natural order of things, but medical science has kept me alive. (YAY!!!) I am a bad woman becuase I have no desire to procrate and make little babies. I phsyically cannot have children, thank goodness I can’t pass these medical issues on to another child to go through what I had to. This all means that I am a good human; however, I am one hell of an amazing person and that is all that really matters in the end.

One of these days I would like to find my mate, the other half to my life coin. Someone that I can share all of my life trials and tribulations with. Someone who can understand where I have come from and how I have risen above those obsticles. Someone who can be patient with me as I learn how to be softer and nicer on myself. Someone who compliments me in every way. Someone who can understand that my experiences have influenced my beliefs, my morals, my values and my outlook on things and accept them even if they disagree.

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September 26, 2011

Charity Walks Completed

Filed under: General Life Updates — Tags: , , , , — slimpickins @ 8:52 am

So I was able to attend and complete the walks for both charities even after all the crazy Endo stuff from Thursday. I walked a total of 8 miles, 4 of those miles I was carrying Ginger. I think I kinda over did myself, as I have been having cramps again since Sunday night. They aren’t bad yet, so I am hoping they will dissipate soon.

I also was able to get out to Tulalip and visit the Seattle Outlet Stores. I went to LeSportsac looking for a specific item. They did not have the item, but said they expect them in 2-3 months. I did get dimensions and an idea of what it’s like and I can hardly wait. I did however buy myself some Lucky Brand Jeans. I got the size that normally fits and seemed comfortable when trying on (even with room for washing), however after washing they are a bit tight. They still fit, but are kinda tough to get up and on. I may actually need to go up a size there. YAY!!!!

Last night I watched a movie on Netflix that I hadn’t heard of before but it was an outstanding German film based on a true story. The movie was called, “As Far As My Feet Will Carry Me”. If you don’t mind subtitles or understand enough German to get by without it, then this is a good movie to watch.

September 23, 2011

Endo Issues (Not for the faint, pictures)

Filed under: Medical Issues/Problems — Tags: , , , — slimpickins @ 9:12 am

Well last night was the night from hell. I know that most of you do not wish to know me this well or to see the pictures. Then leave now, before you can’t look away. I only have one picture to post now, but I will edit this post tonight and add the others. Yes I document all strange things my body does on film. It has saved my arse at times.

Yesterday was a bad pain day, but I figured it was just more clots and shrugged it off like always. Don’t worry that I had a slight fever yesterday morning (not abnormal for me) or that I have been bleeding for 3 weeks now (also not abnormal). I cried a few times like normal, but again thought nothing strange was going on.

When I went to the bathroom before bed (around 10:30 pm) I looked down into my pad and was shocked to see pink tissue in there with a few clots.  I took a picture immediately and called my mom and sent her the picture and asked if she knew what this was. While I was talking to her I grabbed a toothpick and unrolled the tissue to see that it was a thin sheet of tissue not a ball like I first thought. I shared this information with my mom. She advised me to go to the ER, however with my new insurance I have to call an advice nurse first. So I called in and talked for an hour. They are not worried about it being an emergency issue, however they aren’t sure why I would be passing tissue. The thought is that either this is uterine lining (endometrial lining) or a ruptured endometrioma (endometrial cyst).  The pain has not subsided even after passing the shedded tissue.

Took an 800 mg Motrin and tried to sleep. This did not work well, but a few hours is better than nothing. I got up and made my way into work; slowly but surely.

Got my call from the OB/GYN department this morning. They are sure this is the shedding of the Uterine wall behind the endometrial lining. They are confused as to why my body would shed this, but not concerned enough to call it an emergency. I have an appt with them at the earliest time slot; 10/17 at 3pm. Now if the cramping pain increases or my fever worsens then I need to get to Urgent Care.

I really hate being a woman, can’t you just take out that stupid useless organ called a Uterus?? I only need ovaries for the hormones, not that darn uterus anyways.

Someone please help me save myself from my body.

Picture Gallery:

September 22, 2011

You really like me…

Filed under: General Stuff — slimpickins @ 11:41 am

Wow you must really like me or I am so pathetic that you can’t stop reading or look away.

I have over 21,000 views of my 117 posts. That is soo awesome. That is an average of 179 view per post (pretty impressive in my mind).

Thank you sooooo much for reading about my life and stuffs. 🙂

New Life?? and updates

Filed under: General Life Updates, Work Updates — slimpickins @ 11:37 am

So.. I have ended my relationship with Concur so that I could focus more on myself.  This includes having more time for myself and more time for schooling. I got fed up with hearing that I couldn’t take a job since I did not have a degree yet they were not willing to assist me in getting one.

My new job is working for the county and at first I wasn’t sure I would like it, but it was only 40 hours a week. The concept of my job is easy, but there are millions of little exceptions that I need to remember. I am not doing so well on that piece, but the job is still easy as pie.

School is becoming increasingly difficult but I think that is just due to beign burndt out on school all together. I used to love school before I went back to college. I doubt that I will continue school to get my master’s degree or CPA license as this has been way too stressful and cumbersome for my tastes.

Ginger is still sick from her March 2011 episode. I wish I could take it all away but no matter what I try it just keeps coming back. I am going to have to do some tests when I have some extra money and time. Or take a day when I can to take her in. Her 8th birthday is coming up on 10/4/11; but I will be at a soccer game so we are celebrating the weekend before. I am taking her camping with her dad. It should be very very fun.

So that is work, school and Ginger. What is left? Oh yeah my health and social life.

How am I doing? Ha! Well my endo pain has been horrible. Not only do I have no desire to have sex (still have a libido and think I want sex but I know better), It’s so painful that I cry a little inside when I think about it. My body has stopped responding to stimulus, so even if I wanted to it couldn’t happen. Oh and there is fun part of my insides being rubbed raw and bleeding. I have been bleeding for over 3 weeks straight now, what fun. All the doctor wants to do is give me meds or toxins to fix the problem, but it doesn’t. I just want to have another cleaning surgery and take out the bad cells, but obviously I don’t know my body at all.

Social life.. well I have been seeing more of my friends and family. That has been both good and bad. I have a great, no wonderful group of friends (for the most part) and a fabulous family unit (for the most part). I am getting tired of being REQUIRED to attend family events. Sorry folks, but I’d rather be greedy and spend my few vacation days doing things for myself than spending time with you. Get over it!!

I am still single as a $1 bill. It’s not that I don’t have options, I just don’t have time to devote to a relationship until school is completed. So I have decided that until I can devote the kind of energy that is needed and desired for a relationship I won’t have one. YAY, another 2 1/2 years of being single, the fun never ends over here.

Now I am still really close with Tyler, imagine that. I still tend to shell out money to see him when I can, but it has become more and more sparce as I have less money these days. Everyone seems to think that I am still in love with him, or not over him (which is the same thing to me). I still love him a lot and care about him a lot as I do most of my ex’s and friends. However, sadly at this point I just don’t think that he is capable of getting and holding down a job or obtaining a drivers license and being a productive member of society. I don’t see the initative or drive to go out and get it done. I see him continually living at home and being taken care of by the family. It breaks my heart to see things not change, and a little piece of me dies a little more every day.

I don’t think that real LOVE exists and I don’t think that there is a man/woman out there for me. I feel like in order to be married and have a family that I need to settle and that is very sad to me. I see everyone around me happilly in love, happily single, searching for a better life than what they have or the few that have finally decided to leave what they have and take a chance at being happy. I do envy them, even if it’s not a situation I want to be a part of.

All right, I think that is enough for today kids. Have a fabulous day. Eat your vegetable and fruit. Spay or nuture your pets. Smile and laugh daily to keep the doctor away.

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