What am I lacking?

What is it that I am lacking? I must be lacking something to allow myself to feel insecure all the time; to allow myself to feel in adequate; and to allow the words you say to hit me harsh and make me feel jealous or less of a person.

When we started I was so happy and so in love and so full of dreams of “US”, “Together” and “WE”. Then you struggled and had doubts and kept telling me or reminding me of things I was lacking or weren’t what you wanted/needed. You asked me to “fix” somethings so that I would fit better into your idea or ideal person. I felt crushed, and crushed again when you mentioned them again and again. My thought of love and “us”, “together” and “we” changed to you and I. I was not what you wanted. I did things that made you doubt us or me (I am still not sure which). Every time I was being me, it caused you to pull away and hide and then I was asked to stop doing more things that were wrong. Again I felt crushed and I felt wrong for being me and trying to just be myself.

I put up walls to protect myself from harm and hurt. I stopped smiling, I stopped having fun and you stopped wanting to see me at all. You keep telling me to just be myself… but I can’t be myself when it’s not what works. I have hidden so far behind walls now that I do not know how to get back out. I have lost myself inside myself… I do not know where I am anymore. I get a glimpse of being myself again, and as soon as I notice herself poking out I push her back inside

You asked me to move in with you. Then a little bit later you changed your mind and asked me not to move in with many excuses. Then you asked me to move in and we set a date and started moving stuff over. This triggered something and you asked me not to move in again. I started looking at my own places (bigger than where I am now). Trying to realize the dream of owning my own home. Now you are at the point where you want me to move in and I am not sure I want to. Your reasonings are all based upon saving you money. That isn’t romantic or even inviting for me. I know have doubts based on all your previous doubts. If I give up my apartment and move in and then you freak out again, I am stuck with no place to go to. I don’t want to be stuck with no place to live. I don’t want to move in to help you financially. I want to move in with you because you want to spend more time with me.

I feel that based on our past that you don’t really want to be with me. I feel that I am not enough. I feel that I am inadequate. I feel that I am giving everything and getting almost nothing back. I feel that I am lacking something…. I know that I am lacking something to allow myself to feel this way. I need to figure out what it is.

Insecurity…

I am feeling insecure today. Insecure about myself, insecure about my relationship and insecure about my life. How can I make everything work out? How can things work out when I feel that what I want/need is the opposite of what he wants/needs? What if can’t balance work, school and my boyfriend with this class? What if I am not enough? Or rather, why am I not enough?

I am full of insecurities. I am full of questions. I am full of doubts. I am full of self-doubts. I am not ________ (fill in the blank, there are lots of options I can think of).

I don’t feel beautiful, I don’t even feel pretty or attractive. I don’t feel wanted or desired (by the ones I want to be).

I know what I want and am striving for and yet I fear that I will never get there. It will always be out of reach. I am afraid of wasting time on things that won’t work out. I’m afraid of not putting in the effort and losing something wonderful.

I don’t know how to get security. I don’t know how to feel secure in my choices/place in life. I don’t know how to find the security that I desperately crave.

Any tips on how to feel more confident and secure?

Meaning of life…

What is the meaning of life?? I think that it is different for everyone. For me the meaning of life is to find your one true love; get married; and live happily ever after. Life is a journey of self growth and betterment. You should never stop learning, but once you find your one true love you begin learning together. Your dreams turn into “Our” and “We” dreams. You have someone else in your life that is as precious if not more precious that your own life. You will do anything to keep them safe even if that means harm to yourself.

I thought I had found my one true love and was ready to being my ever after. One small problem… he doesn’t beleive in marriage and isn’t ready for ever after. As time progresses I am not sure that he is my true love or that I am his. I did not have any doubts; yet now I do. Doubts are evil little things and they grow quite quickly and spread out into other areas once the seed is planted.

Is doubt helpful? Is jealousy helpful? I have no idea.

Numbness

We began our wonderful relationship on Sept 23, 2012. It has not been easy and yet I have stuck by your side through it all. We have pulled back to a friendship on April 02, 2013. We made it 6 months and 9 days together. I am not ready to let go and I am not ready to start over. You have things to work through and I understand that, but do not push me away. I cannot handle that.