Slimpickins's Weblog

August 29, 2013

Sexless Relationship and what I have learned…

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , — slimpickins @ 5:20 pm

I have found lots of articles about sexless marriages and relationships since I am in one. A sexless relationship means you are getting sex 10 times or less a year. (yes they have actually quantified the number).

There are lots of reasons… mine happens to be a medical and psychological problem of my partner. No matter what the reason.. it sucks. I constantly struggle around feeling attractive when he does not want to have sex with me. He doesn’t want sex at all, but logically knowing that or that it’s a medical thing does not help. I still feel unattractive, undesired and unfulfilled.

Tid bits from articles that I can relate to and find very interesting and helpful:

“Sexual intimacy is one of the most important things that binds us together. It makes us feel attractive and loved, emotionally closer to each other, and relieves stress in our busy lives.”

“A relationship stripped of the intimacy and physical closeness which sex provides feels hollow: the person who is supposed to find you attractive, sexy and desirable doesn’t. Who wants to live with that?”

I found this article to be most stimulating and eye-opening.

I also learned this little tid bit that I did now know:

Q: Is there more than one type of erection and what’s the difference between them?

A: Yes – there appears to be three. The first erection comes courtesy of the brain: it’s called a psychogenic erection and it’s produced when the brain recognises erotic stimuli – both real or imagined. If you’re bored with sex, this is the erection that will be most effected. The second sort is a reflex erection, one that results when there’s direct genital stimulation. Stress and depression can interfere with this guy. The third type of erection is a nocturnal erection, the least effort variety that you get spontaneously during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. This erection is significant. If you’re not getting the other two but you are waking up ‘pee proud’, there’s a pretty good bet the cause is psychological rather than physical. Most men get around seven erections a day – five of them are nocturnal.


August 26, 2013

Insecurities and lack of confidence oh my…

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , — slimpickins @ 9:28 am

I was feeling better and moving into a much happier state of mind. Then out of blue one things happens to remove all my work and take me back to insecure, no confidence Bree. The Bree who knows that she is loved and cared for by others but feels it is isn’t deserved because she isn’t worth any of it.

Why do I let my self confidence and security crumble away from the words of another? Why does my partner say these things to me?

Here is the situation – Had a great weekend with my boyfriend. Was feeling much better. Then he gets a text message from his friend in another state (a women he was intimate with before me) asking when he is coming out to visit and if he still will. He tells me about this text message. I say that I guess I am glad that he told me now rather than later that he was planning a weekend trip to visit her alone. He says that they are just friends, but then why would you visit her alone?

I would never do that to my partner. I would never plan a weekend visit alone to see someone that I was once intimate with. I would only go if they were to go with me. Why would he want to visit her alone for a weekend???

I feel stripped of all my self confidence and confidence in just a matter of seconds. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel ashamed.

Am I wrong for thinking there is something wrong with him wanting/planning/discussing to visit her alone for a weekend? I don’t know if it’s the discussing the trip with her or him not even letting me know that it was an option that bothers me more.

Please let me know. Is it okay to be bothered by this or is this just me being unfoundedly stupid?

August 8, 2013

“We’re Not there yet”…

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , — slimpickins @ 6:03 pm

What do I keep hearing lately? “We’re not there yet”. We have been together for 10 months and we aren’t ready for anything according to my boyfriend. I am tired of hearing “We’re not there yet” and I am about to walk away and say sorry “Your not there yet” but I have been and am tired of waiting on you to get there. We were going to move in together in March.. but no he wasn’t ready. Now he says maybe by Christmas. We were talking about marriage and he asked me “twice” and then changed his mind saying that he wasn’t ready yet.

Now I don’t know if I want to move in or marry him or even stay with him. I question everything and constantly wonder if this will be something that he takes back later.

I thought getting away on vacation would help, but I just keep feeling more and more away from him. Maybe I just need to find my balls and walk away while we still care about each other.

I don’t know… I only know that I am not ready and I keep stressing over it and nothing helps with that. Nothing at all..

August 7, 2013

Lack of Excitement in my life…

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , — slimpickins @ 9:04 am

I haven’t found excitement in my life for a while now. I feel numb and complacent like I am just walking through the motions of my life. I wasn’t excited for skydiving. I wasn’t excited for taking my motorcycle endorsement class (that I failed). I wasn’t excited for buying my first scooter or motorcycle.

I also find that I am getting jealous a lot of my boyfriend getting excited to do things with other and not with me. He enjoys his motorcycle track days with his friends. I was invited to go with him in the past, present and future. I had a great time. Due to my work schedule I cannot attend the next 2 track days and I am finding that I am jealous of his friends that will be with him (because he is outwardly expressing his excitement and giddiness to go, which he doesn’t do when we go).

I am leaving tonight to go Las Vegas for a birthday trip with my father and his wife. I am not excited to go at all. I am actually feeling a bit down about leaving. Partly because I don’t want to vacation without him, and partly because I know that I will entering into the world of being told how I am not “enough” all day.

I feel unattractive, undesired, unwanted, un-confident, insecure, unsure of myself and full of self-doubt.

One of my ongoing issues I deal with is insecurity. In a relationship I have trouble feeling secure with my partner. Most of this is due to all my past failed relationships where I was cheated on, had things stolen and sold by my partner, and mentally abused to feel unsure of myself. I go to therapy to work on it, but lately it just keeps getting worse.

Maybe it is due to all of the times that my current partner pulls away from me. I am unsure of what lies in the future. I am unsure if he really wants to be with me. I know who I am, but I feel lost somewhere.

August 1, 2013

Giving yourself away… relationships defined

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , , — slimpickins @ 1:03 pm

It is touch to be an emotional person. It is hard to give yourself away again and again to continue being rejected.

I always give my heart away fast and whole. 100% of my heart will go to you. I have trouble only giving part of myself to someone.. for me it’s an all or nothing thing. When I do only give part of myself I feel like I am being true to myself. Why would I stay with someone who I can’t completely give myself to.

I used to think that all people were like this. Then I was faced with the stark reality that most people (from my experience) only give part of themselves to others. I seem to be the odd duck out; yet again.

As I get older I am growing more weary of giving myself to someone else and not getting the same back in return. I am tired of all the lies and misleading words used. I understand that people define things differently, but sometimes I am astonished to learn how they define terms.

Here are some common terms that I always find to be defined differently in my relationship experience with my definitions:

* love – is when you want to spend your free time with someone who you like as a person, are sexually attracted to and would sacrifice anything for that person

* friendship – someone who you like as a person and would go out of your way to help when in need

* romance – the little things that you do for someone to make them smile and feel special, needed, wanted and desired by you. (surprises and excitement)

* compromise – When you do something you don’t like to make the other person happy and when they do something they don’t like to make you happy

* anniversary – months and years since you have been together or first met

* birthday/holiday – celebrations for the day you were born or other special days in your life (societal like New Years Day or personal like Divorce Day)

* intimacy – caresses, touches, kisses, tasks, events, personal ideas/dreams, etc. that you share with someone (can be a part of sex but doesn’t need to be)

* sensual – touchy feely.. enjoying your senses (taste, smell, touch, etc.)

* sexual – the physical things you do to try to get sex or feel sexy

* dating relationship – the time spent with someone to determine if you want to marry them and spend the rest of your life with them.

* marriage – binding yourself through the legal system to someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Sometimes done for tax breaks or medical insurance.

* desire – strong need/want for something or someone

* passion – strong emotional response

* want – something that you would like (can live a quality life without it)

* need – something that you must have (cannot live a quality life without it)

I also think that I may have a skewed view on how things should flow/work. Here is my idea of how things should flow. Two people meet and begin to get know each other. After a few dates/conversations they figure out that they have enough in common, have a mutual sexual attraction and would like to pursue learning more about each other. They begin a dating relationship. Now as a couple they spend time together and test compatibility. Part of this is stay with each other for periods of time to test the living together situation. After about 6 months they move in together to see if they are compatible with living styles (chores, cleanliness, etc.) If everything goes well and they still love and enjoy spending time together and want to spend the rest of their life together, then one of the partners asks the other to marry them; usually within a year to a year and a half. If you don’t know if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person by 1 1/2 years then you won’t and you should break it off and move on. Sometimes you want to marry them but finances or other extenuating circumstances happen; this is okay as long as you have discussed it. The engagement can last as long as is needed to gather finances and other items for the wedding. The wedding should be small and intimate with just family and a few friends. The reception is where the other friends and extended family are invited. The money really goes into the honeymoon, so that they two of you can celebrate in your own individual way.

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