Slimpickins's Weblog

March 26, 2014

Walk of Shame… letting someone you love go

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , — slimpickins @ 11:55 am

I feel like I have to walk away no matter how hard it is. This is harder than asking Josh to leave and then finding out that he died still in love with me. I feel like I’m betraying my heart and soul. If that makes any sense?

I was cheated on with drugs by Nick and now I feel like Jax is cheating on me with himself by not being present with me. I am tired of being cheated on with non-living things (not that a living thing would be any better). How do I keep finding people who can’t give me their all or even be present with me after a few months.

Everything was great and then he checked out and he hasn’t been back since. How do you let someone you gave your heart and soul to, go? How do you come back from the ultimate heart-ache? How do you love again without comparing and feeling guilty?

I guess I get to find out 😦 Ultimate sad face.

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March 11, 2014

How I feel that you feel about me based on your actions alone…

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — slimpickins @ 5:17 pm

Based on how you have treated me over the past 16 months, this is how I think you feel about me:

1. My feelings don’t matter
2. What I like to do doesn’t matter
3. I am expected to do the things you like, but you won’t do the things I like
4. Touch and Kisses only happen when you want them, or feel it
5. You have no desire for me or to be with me
6. I am fun to hang out with and do things with that are outside and keep you busy
7. You like to shower with me, but not touch my body
8. Motorcycles, Cars, and Work are more important to you than I am
9. You are Selfish and only think about yourself; I don’t matter
10. You will tell me things just to get me to shut up or do what you want; with no intention of following through with what you say. (all talk and no action)
11. You like to put me down and point out everything I do that is wrong
12. You don’t like to talk to me
13. You don’t like me to touch you
14. If I say something more than once (within the relationship) I am nagging
15. You don’t like being with me alone
16. I need to get rid of everything I own that isn’t motorcycle or car related because it is useless/worthless and I have too much of it.
17. You have no desire to see me smile or happy
18. You enjoy making me unhappy or cry
19. All I do is cause you pain, unhappiness and make you uncomfortable
20. I make your life horribly complicated and you would be better without me in it
21. It doesn’t matter if I have sexual feelings, desires or needs
22. Being close to my family is a problem
23. Wanting to share my life with you is wrong
24. You can plan and make arrangements for things you want to do, but not anything I want to do
25. Anything that doesn’t work out is because you work nights
26. If I cry or get upset, and you tell me to calm down it just means you think I am over-reacting and I should just “get over it”
27. We only see each other at best for an hour a day and one day on the weekend and that is too much time with me. I get less time with you than I spend at work a week.
28. When you say things like “* I can’t feel anything, you must be too loose for me. * It’s a chore to have sex. * I have been willing myself for months into having sex and I just don’t feel anything. Now I just can’t will myself anymore into sex”, it hurts me a lot inside and breaks me down and I feel worthless, useless, inadequate and broken.

You once said that I was like a battered woman that keeps coming back. If that is the truth than you are the abuser that keeps battering me. Is that what you want to be and how you want to be remembered?

Will I ever get what I deserve?

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — slimpickins @ 5:13 pm

I want the romantic love of one person (only one person). I want to be enough for that person and want them to be enough for me. I want to not be told that I over-saturate them with my love. I do no want to be made to feel bad for wanting their time and affection. I want them to want to go out of their way to make me smile as much I do the same for them. I want the honest truth. I do not want to be “humored” about anything.

Is that too much for me to want to have?

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