Slimpickins's Weblog

June 26, 2010

My heart…

Filed under: Uncategorized — slimpickins @ 10:29 pm

My heart has been through so much pain and turmoil that I am not sure what is left. I feel lost and incomplete without it. I have given pieces away before, but they almost always came back. This time is different as I gave my whole heart away instead of just a piece. You know that you have my heart, and that you can do with it what you wish. At this point in time, I do not want it back as I do not need it. I can do my job without a heart, I can complete my school work without a heart, and I can make it through every day without a heart. Those that I already love and care for do not need another place to sit, as they are carried in my heart that you hold. Those that I may end up loving in the future, will just have to wait longer until you are done with my heart and return it.

If at anytime you do not want my heart, please let me know and I will take it back. I do not wish to cause you harm or pain. I do not wish to put you or myself through anything unnecessary. I want, need and desire to keep you in my life in one form or another. If I am daring to dream to big that is my way of coping with the change that is inevitable. I need to feel wanted, desired, needed, safe and secure. I want to be doted on, taken care of (as much as I will let you), held tight against your chest and comforted, while being your equal. If I am no longer your equal, then I must respectfully ask for my heart back as I do not wish to lead you or follow you through life.

When faced with stress, sadness or another overwhelming emotion I want to be able to talk with you and work them together. I have always had many friends with who I could talk about things, go out and explore with and dance with. Yet I still want you to be my rock, my one constant. I know that I have done all that I can do, but I still feel like I have failed you as well as myself.

Within the last few years I have become more of a recluse and turned away from people. I find that I am pulling away from my extroverted self and becoming more of an introvert. I can’t say this has anything to do with you per say, just a strange change for me. I am afraid of losing you, as I have lost others.

June 24, 2010

Surgical Procedure #2

Filed under: Uncategorized — slimpickins @ 7:46 am

Well I am now 2 procedures into the 6 procedure series. This one hurt more during the procedure, but the day after seems to be easier to handle. I am hoping this is the new trend and that each one will get easier. I can handle 30 minutes of pain as long as it doesn’t hurt when it heals.

She wants to do the procedure on my face after my back is complete. My final back procedure is on Sept 1st, which is a horrible day but I can’t push it out any longer than that :(. So if things go well and insurance will cover it, they want to do this on my face. There are other procedures they can do to, but insurance almost never covers them. So we will see if some laser treatment might be done too.

If I could afford it, I would get :

  1. Fraxel Laser Treatment on my face, back and legs
  2. Laser Hair removal on my underarms, legs and bikini area

June 23, 2010

Glycolic Acid Peels

Filed under: General Life Updates — slimpickins @ 8:34 am

Below is the mildest description I could get on the Glycolic Peels. I have been signed up for a series of 6 treatments on my back. Each Peel is 2 weeks apart and after the first 3 I have a consult with my doctor and then return for the remaining 3 peels. Yes this means mywhole summer will be spent out of the sun as the skin is more prone to burning after the treatments.

The gist of the procedure is to chemicallyburn off a desired number of layers of skin to expose the pretty and un-blemished, un-scarred or un-acned skin beneath. It is mildlypainful for me so far when they applythe chemical, but I feel it later for about a week. Mostly I think that is due to needing to wear clothes and they rub against the skin irritating it.

See below for the full description:

As far as chemical peels go, glycolic acid peels are among the mildest and most popular. That’s largely because glycolic acid is considered to be natural. It comes from sugar cane and belongs to a family of acids called alpha-hydroxy acids or fruit acids

. Think of it this way: If the fruit acids formed a football team, glycolic acid would be their star quarterback. It is by far the most popular and well-known acid of the bunch.

Glycolic acid has many uses. In fact, it’s used in high concentrations to remove rust from metal, and anything with a glycolic acid concentration of more than 10 percent is considered a hazardous material

. Keeping that in mind, most glycolic acid peels have a concentration of 50 percent or higher

. That means you’re actually using a hazardous material on your skin, but considering what you’re trying to accomplish, that makes sense.

During a glycolic acid peel, the solution is applied using a sponge and left on the skin for a predetermined amount of time based on concentration. It penetrates the skin and breaks the bonds that hold each layer together. Once the desired number of layers have been separated and removed, the acid can be washed off with water. Immediately after a treatment, the skin will look red and continue to peel for several days. The entire process from treatment to recovery can take a week or more

.

Glycolic acid peels are mild when compared with some of their more hazardous counterparts, and as a result the outcome might not be as noticeable as you’d like. It’s typical that multiple peels will be necessary to achieve the desired result. The upside is that there are very few complications associated with glycolic acid peels.

Taken from : http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/beauty/skin-treatments/chemical-peels2.htm

June 22, 2010

Smile it’s Summer and not yet 65 degrees out…

Filed under: General Life Updates — slimpickins @ 2:52 am

So where is my Summer weather??? We seem to get one day that is over 65 degrees and then it is right back to rain. I don’t need 80 degrees, but I would like some sun to keep my little porch garden alive.

I can’t really put on a tank top and shorts and go out and play in the sun with my back, but I still want the sun. I love the rain, but i totally miss the KS thunderstorms.

Speaking of KS, why is it that people in the NW are against mobile homes but all for condos? When you purchase a mobile home you have the choice of leasing land in a park, leasing someones property or purchasing your own land. When you purchase a condo you are buying an apartment and you don’t get the option of land.

I am all for townhouses, as I love the mutli-level approach and the chance that you may get some yard. I would like to have a little piece of land so that Ginger can go outside and I can have a little garden. I would also like to get another miny piny for Ginger to have a friend.

On one income it’s almost impossible to get a house and I have no desire to get a condo. Would ya’ll still visit me if I got a mobile home between 1,188 and 2,000 sq ft and 3 – 4 bedrooms?? Oh wait, you don’t visit me now.. 🙂 LOL

June 16, 2010

Slightly better…

Filed under: General Life Updates — slimpickins @ 3:05 pm

Well I actually got a little sleep last night, for the first time in 3 nights. 6 hours isn’t much but it is better than nothing or the 2 hours I was getting those other nights.  I am still exhausted but I have a bigger rush of energy today.

I still feel lost and I still just want to get lost in his arms, but I am not crying as much today at least. I am still talking to him every night, becuase I do not know that I can handle dropping off all communication. The toughest part of that is not to say “I Love You!”, either during the call or when we say good night at the end of the call.

I think now that I have my exercise pole installed, that I may purhcase some DVD’s and teach myself more aerials. That is a good way to get more exercise as well as gives myself something to do other than watching movies and tv. Other than going to the Seattle Sounder’s games that is what I do these days. Tons and tons of movies, tv, and video games.

I need a break from myself, anyone want to switch lives for a little bit? I can’t pay, but you can take over the work, school and life balance thing for a little while.

June 15, 2010

Another Day, Another Dollar…

Filed under: General Life Updates — slimpickins @ 2:55 pm

So it’s another day in cryville today. I can’t seem to stop, and this is so much harder than I ever imagined. I have had a broken heart before but nothing like this. It seems that as I get older I must be giving more of my heart away, becuase it hurts sooo much. I don’t know if this is becuase he helped me through Dan’s, Josh’s and my grandma’s deaths; but I am a whirlwind of emotions. I have always been emotional and had horrible mood swings. This time it’s just a few emotions all on one side of the spectrum.

You know that in the almost 3 years we never fought? We had some disagreements (mostly on my side and about money) but I never saw him get mad. Who doesn’t get mad at least once in 3 years? I feel like everyone gets angry at least once in 3 years, but I could be wrong.

I can’t help but wonder why? I feel like I have hime plenty of opportunities and I was open and honest with what I wanted. I wanted for him to get a job and a license so that we could someday get married. That seems soo simple of a plan, not asking for much. Somehow that job and license were way to difficult, or I wasn’t enough to push for. No need to start with the talk that I am enough. I just do not feel that I am most days and this does not really help.

Oh gasp, yes I said it. I have a very LOW self esteem, and I always have. I do not feel beautiful most days, I do not feel smart most days, and sadly I do not feel desired or wanted most days. I love my family and friends (those that are still here) very much, and I thank you all for your support. The above comments are not necessarily directed toward you, but toward a more romantic relationship.

I have been so busy with work and school, that I do not have much extra time for family, friends or a relationship. I tend to gravitate towards working and overloading myself when I feel down. I also tend to spend more time at work when I don’t feel important. I am not saying that I have not always felt important. In fact I never had worked overtime at all until I has started having problems in my marriage. Since then, I tend to gravitate towards work or school when things in the relationship aren’t all roses.

I feel like I did everythign I could to try and help him with the job and the license and yet it still never happened. I understand that he has issues to overcome, but if they are so bad that they are keeping you from being a productive member of society then I would suggest counseling. It may takes years, but at least it is a step in the right direction. Money should not be a deterant as there are facilities that can help with that like DSHS.

The hardest part though is being at home or in the car, as I see him everywhere I look. I guess they say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I still do not know if I agree with that, but I can try and listen.

June 14, 2010

Broken and Torn World…

Filed under: General Life Updates — slimpickins @ 3:10 pm

Today is a sad day for me, as my world is broken and torn into pieces. I made a decision this last weekend that will change my life forever. This decision affects not only affects my life but also affects Ginger’s life. I hate when my decisions affect her so much. She loves him too and I sde doesn’t understand when Iexplain to her that he is gone. She is looking for him everywhere, and smelling the places he frequented. Oh crap, now the flood gates open again.

I want nothing more than to grab him, hold him in my arms, kiss his soft lips and get lost in his loving eyes. Yet I know that I need to be strong. I need to stop enabling, and face the facts.

Facts: 1) In the 2 years and 10 months he has only had a job for 3 weeks, 2) He does not have a drivers license or a valid ID,  3) He is going to school and still working on his first certificate, 4) I have never seen him angry and everyone gets angry (even Ghandi), 5) I do not get to see him and that is also painful, 6) He cut back on the amount of time he talked to me

I see him everywhere that I look, and I just can’t take down the pictures of us that I have around the house. I gave him my heart and all that I could give him, yet I feel that I have failed. I did everything I could think to do to try and help him and yet I stilled failed.

I feel as if I have let him down, that I was supposed to be able to do more for him. I want to find all the torn off pieces and put them together to complete the picture. Somehow I have lost pieces of myself and I do not know where they are located. I wish they had a GPS chip so that I could find them.

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