Slimpickins's Weblog

December 26, 2012

Walls

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — slimpickins @ 6:55 am

The walls begin to come down and it feels like I’m being pushed away so they go back up. I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like I’m getting the cold shoulder and then I get all paranoid and my mind goes into overdrive.

What did I do or what do I do???

December 21, 2012

First day of the rest of your life…

Filed under: General Life Updates — Tags: , , , , — slimpickins @ 9:56 am

Today is the first day of the rest of your life… Use it well. Today is a day of new beginnings, bright futures, recognizing your dreams, following your heart and loving those close to your heart. Do not waste another moment on unhappiness, today you find your happiness.

I have mine and I am holding on tight and I refuse to let go. Happiness is mine!!!! (queue evil giggle)

December 17, 2012

Settle back into reality…

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — slimpickins @ 11:02 am

After a fanatastic weekend… we are settled back into reality. I am still holding a little back weary of the next heartbreak to come. I have decided that things are just fine and that I have been over analyzing things and continue on with life. Still hesistant in certain areas and holding back a little so that I can avoid getting hurt again.

I am in love and I do not wish to be any other way. This is the happiest I can be… for now.

Holidays are here…

Filed under: General Stuff — Tags: — slimpickins @ 7:47 am

The holidays are here and what can I say but… let 2012 be over and lets get into 2013. I am ready for a new year, a new start and the rest of my life.

Merry Christmas 008HolidayMay your Holidays be bright

December 14, 2012

Numb

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , — slimpickins @ 7:22 am

I do not know how to feel,
I do not know what to do,
I do not know what I want anymore,
I do not know how I feel anymore.

So much pain has plagued my heart.
So much I do wrong.
No more tears to cry, for now.
I feel that I have to protect myself and hide myself from you.
I went from being sure to not knowing what is going on or when I get to see you.

Your kisses used to ignite my soul with passion and now they bring me near to tears. Your touch used to bring shivers to my body, but that is gone for now. Your eyes used to smile and show love, now they are blank.

I see you slipping away and I can do nothing to stop it because everything I do or say makes you slip further away. I’m sure that its my fault somehow but I am still unsure what happened. I try to stay within the lines of what is okay but the lines keep changing. One day it’s ok and then it’s not.

I have decided to step back and let you lead. If you want to see me then we will. If you need your time then we won’t. The ball is in your court and I will sit on the sidelines and try to nurse my heart back to health, hoping for no permanent damage.

I am not as strong as you think I am. I will not survive this again. The numbness overtakes me as I sit down. I love you to much to lose you, I love you too much to leave you. I love myself too much to….

 

Things can never go back to where they were. Things will always be different going forward. I do want to move forward and see where this will go and make choices as we come to them.

December 12, 2012

Not Strong Enough

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , , , — slimpickins @ 1:29 pm

I am just not strong enough for this. When it is my turn to break down? When is it my turn to cry? When it is my turn to run away and hide?

I need someone to lift me up and keep me up. Hold onto me with all their might becuase they want to be with me and help me through life. I feel all alone pushing forward through the fog without a light to see where I am going. I know you are close but you are just out of reach and I cannot locate you.

I am just not strong enough for all this pain. My heart is fragile and can’t keep up with the continual halts and lockups. I know what I want and yet I am unable to have it. Do I stay and try, hoping that I will not get hurt again or do I stop while I still have some of my heart left? I do not know the answer… only time will tell. For now I will back off and lock away  parts of my heart where no one can get to them as a safe guard.

*turns key on chest*, Now I will destroy the key so that no one can get in there (not even me).

Complicated and Confusing

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: — slimpickins @ 9:21 am

My life is now complicated and confusing. I open my mouth to say something and my words send you into an internal battle. My love makes you pull away and run away. My words cause you stress and pain. I don’t want to give you up, push you away or lose you; yet I feel that I must. In order to preserve my own shine and heart I must either erect walls to protect myself and walk on egg shells when I talk or just let you be until you truly are ready for me.

I know that I want you and you are not yet sure that you want me. I stuggle with this confusion and end up making things more complicated. I have to pull back and keep part of me to myself for now.

I cry as I write this, I do not want to pull back but run forward into you instead.

 

I feel that you are pushing me away becuase it is easier than dealing with your own issues. The only question I have is this: How can you love me when you don’t love yourself?

December 6, 2012

Beside myself with pure joy

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , — slimpickins @ 4:06 pm

I am soo happy that I cannot contain it. I am beside myself with joy, happiness, contentment and surprise. This is the relationship that I have been yearning for and searching for all of my life. Yes I know that I am young, but I know this is what I have been searching for, since I was 4 years old. This is what I never thought I would find, yet always dreamed for.

My fairytale romance, and it’s mine all mine. I like this possesive side of myself.

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