Slimpickins's Weblog

August 22, 2010

Arrrghhhh…..

Filed under: Uncategorized — slimpickins @ 1:38 am

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…. There are a lot of tough choices that we have to make in life. What jobs to take, What career to choose, where to settle down and live your life, and who you decide to give your love and life to.

The choice of jobs was easy for me, but the choice of careers was not an easy one. I always dreamed of being a veterinarian for exotic and wildlife, specializing in big cats and reptiles and amphibians. I decided the schooling was too much for me, so I took an easier path always expecting to go back to school and be a veterinary technician of some type. Funny how things don’t work out the way you expect. Instead when I got laid off i decided to get my Associates of Applied Science in Accounting and pursue another of my many interests. I am still pursuing that dream as I work towards my Bachelors in Science in Accounting.

The decision of where to settle down and live my life has never been a concern for me. I can live anywhere its more important for me to focus no the who I settle down with than the where. I love Washington, in all it’s beauty. Oregon is equally if not more beautiful. I miss the weather and storms of Kansas. As long as I have family, friends and love I can live anywhere.

Now who we decide to love and live with is a different situation entirely. I have given my life to many people in my short life so far. I love to be to share my life with so many people, as they have all changed me in one way or another. When it comes to giving my love away I am very stingy, and it’s rare for me to fully give myself to anyone. I have trouble letting down my guard and believing that anyone can truly love me for who I am. I have been hurt so deeply that it penetrated my soul and I am still trying to recover. I give more of myself away with every person, and I take a piece of them with me always. I surround myself with those that I have loved and allowed closer to my core.

I struggle with the choice of letting go of a past love in the hopes of finding a new love. It’s like pulling a piece of my heart out and giving it back to someone that I never thought I would have to. Not only do I still love this person but I realize that I am still madly in love with this person. I get frustrated with myself because I know that this person is not in a stage in their life to give me what I need and desire out of life. They are in a place where they need to focus on themselves and make some changes in their own life before they will be in a place to be a strong equal part of a relationship. I know this and they know this, yet it doesn’t make it any easier to face the news for either of us.

I am working on changing my life by completing my Bachelors degree in Accounting at the same time I am working full time. While I am working full time and attending school part time, I do not have much free time to spare on a relationship (be it new or old). This makes life difficult because I want to have someone to share my experiences with, both good and bad. I don’t think it’s fair to start a new relationship while I am still in love with someone else. I have tried lots of things to move on, but none seem to be working the way I want them to. My norm is to be over the person shortly after the relationship ends, however this one is different. I can’t seem to get over him even though I know I can’t be with him right now and get what I need and deserve.

I need to make a decision one way or another, and soon. 1) Stay in love with him and continue as it has been, 2) Move on, focus on myself and forget love for the next few years, or 3) Move on, taking a chance on someone new for a relationship.

Maybe I will have the answers in the morning, maybe this is all just a hormonal imbalance talking, or maybe I am just tired and rambling on and on about nothing at all. Only time will tell…..

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August 2, 2010

Bad Pain Day….

Filed under: General Life Updates — slimpickins @ 9:07 am

Why oh why do I have to be in this much pain on a Monday morning??? Aren’t these rude awakening back into reality harsh enough without my body fighting me?

I am not sure if this is Endo pain or ovarian cyst pain, but it doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t know if it was a cyst until it ruptured anyways and the treatment is the same. Take pain meds and hope for the best. This is gonna get old real quick, like it did before. All they do is push toxic drugs that I don’t wish to continue taking. The other option is surgery to remove more body parts, slowly piece by piece to buy more time. I am not all “Woo-Hoo” about surgery or removing parts that I don’t need. So I just deal and wait while it cycles back and grows, messing with myemotions and skin.

I have been averaging 2-3 year between surgery with only laser removal of the tissue. It has been 5 years with the removal of body peice #1, so I guess that is a good thing. I get double time between surgeries if I remove a body part that I don’t need anyways.  *SIGH* why can’t the decisions every be easy???

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