Slimpickins's Weblog

December 29, 2015

Re-learning to Love

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs, General Stuff — Tags: , , — slimpickins @ 1:22 pm

Re-learning to Love – 12/29/2015

I feel you with me, wherever I go.

You are beside me, reminding me to live my life.

I feel your lips upon my lips.

I taste you for hours after we have kissed.

I fall into your arms and breathe in your scent.

My skin tingles, where you have caressed it.

My breathing becomes deeper, so that I can get closer to you and take more of you inside.

The passion I feel for you ignites a fire with each kiss.

My heart aches when you block me from your life.

My brain tries to fool me into deceptions, but I only need to look deep into your eyes to see the lies.

I run as fast as I can into those lies hoping to slay them before they can reach too deep and wreak too much havoc.

I know the lies have done some damage, but I am quick to try to repair it. Hoping and praying that no lasting damage has been done to us.

I could stare into your loving eyes for hours and never tire.

I stare at your face to memorize the lines, so that I can conjure you in my dreams.

I want everything and nothing at all. I only want you.

I desire you, I need you, I yearn for you to be close, so I can cherish you.

My greatest fear is that after having you, I would lose you forever.

Now that I have had you in my life, I do not want to go on without you.

You make me want to be a better person.

You make me want to run head long into the future with you; without a plan only a dream.

I will fight for you.

I will fight for me.

I will fight for us.

You have me, as much of me as I can give you.

Re-learning to open my broken heart and put the pieces back together.

Re-learning passion, which I thought had long ago been distinguished.

Re-learning carnal desires, which I was sure I would never experience again.

I give more of myself to you every day as I fall deeper and deeper.

I had no idea that I could get this lost in someone, again.

This is so new to me, I am learning from you, re-learning to love.

August 10, 2014

I deserve LOVE

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , , — slimpickins @ 4:51 pm

I deserve LOVE – 8/10/2014

I may not deserve FOREVER;
I may not deserve ROMANCE;
I may not deserve TULIPS, CANDLES or DINNER;
I may not deserve THE WORLD;
I may not deserve the SUN, the MOON or the STARS;
I may not deserve KISSES, SOFT CARESSES, or TENDERNESS;
I may not deserve the LOVE and LIFE that I dream about..

I gave you all of me,
Without asking a lot in return.
That was my problem I did not ask for more.
I allowed you to give me nothing,
When I gave you everything.

I have fought for me,
I have fought for you,
I have fought for us….
And yet I still lost and came away with less than I started with.

I feel that I do deserve intimacy;
I deserve physical affection and attention;
I deserve conversation;
I deserve compromise;
I deserve equality;
And I deserve LOVE.

May 20, 2014

Just plain tired…

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , , , , , , — slimpickins @ 4:42 pm

I’m not sure anymore. I’m tired of hurting, the humoring me, selfishness, lack of affection, hurtful words, negativity, lack of passion, lack of smiles, deceit, lack of communication, loss physical touch, loss of kisses and passive aggression.

Maybe I just need to move on keep pulling back inside.

January 23, 2014

How you make me feel

Based on how you have treated me over the past 16 months, this is how you feel about me:

1. My feelings don’t matter
2. What I like to do doesn’t matter
3. I am expected to do everything you like, but you won’t do anything I like
4. Touch and Kisses only happen when you want them, or feel it
5. You have no desire for me
6. I am fun to hang out with and do things with that are outside and keep you busy
7. You like to shower with me, but not touch my body
8. Motorcycles and Cars are more important to you than I am
9. You are Selfish
10. You will tell me things just to get me to shut up or do what you want; with no intention of following through with what you say.
11. You like to put me down and tell me everything I do that is wrong
12. You don’t like to talk to me
13. You don’t like me to touch you
14. If I say something more than once (within the relationship) I am nagging

Relationship Rules… (for everyone)

Filed under: General Stuff — Tags: , , , , , — slimpickins @ 8:27 am

Why must we always have man’s rules and women’s rules? Here are some relationship rules:

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. PEOPLE ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. INTIMACY IS IMPORTANT. YOU DON’T NEED SEX FOR INTIMACY, BUT IT IS NICE.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU’RE A BIG PERSON. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. SAYING WHAT YOU THINK I WANT TO HEAR ONLY CAUSES MORE ISSUES, JUST BE HONEST.
1. YOU KNOW THAT PERSON YOU WHERE WHEN WE STARTED DATING AND ALL THOSE THINGS YOU DID FOR ME? DON’T STOP BEING THAT PERSON OR DOING THOSE THINGS DURING THE RELATIONSHIP. WE STARTED DATING YOU FOR A REASON, NOT FOR YOU TO GIVE UP ONCE WE WERE TOGETHER.
1. IF YOU ARE DONE WITH ME OR THE RELATIONSHIP, THEN LEAVE. WE WOULD RATHER HEAR THE TRUTH THAN BE CHEATED ON.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON’T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE…
1. IF YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO HEAR ME SAY IT TO YOU, THEN DON’T SAY IT TO ME.
1. DON’T USE SEX AS A WEAPON, WITHHOLDING SEX DOES NOT FIX ANYTHING BUT CAUSE MORE PROBLEMS.
1. TOO MUCH SEX AND NO SEX ARE BOTH ISSUES, FIGURE OUT WHERE IN THE MIDDLE YOU BOTH FIT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY ‘NOTHING,’ WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR..
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE…REALLY.
1.. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT BECAUSE IT WON’T BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO HEAR ANYWAY.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES, TOOLS, CARS, MOTORCYCLES, SHOES, ETC.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT WHAT IS DIFFERENT?
1. COMPROMISE, COMPROMISE, COMPROMISE… DO THINGS THE OTHER PERSON LIKES EVEN IF YOU DON’T JUST TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THE OTHER PERSON.
1. COMMUNICATION IS KEY, TALK ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON.

January 7, 2014

Too much worry in my head…

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , , , , , — slimpickins @ 2:43 pm

There is way too much worry in my head. I am worried about things that I 1) have no control over and 2) have no idea how they will turn out. I can’t stop thinking about them though.

The main thought/worry in my head is regarding my boyfriend and sex. It has been 5 months since there was any sexual interaction between us. He has a medical condition that needs to be addressed and so far it is not being addressed. I still desire him sexually, however, he has made some comments over the past year regarding sex or sexual contact that I am struggling to get out of my head. I know they aren’t true, but I am still struggling to eradicate the thoughts from my mind. They hurt me deeply and I still struggle to figure out why someone would say those things to another person (even if you thought them to yourself).

I am worried that once he is finally ready to have sex again that I won’t be able to connect to him anymore due to everything that has gone on. I love him dearly, but I still feel hurt deep inside. He knows that I am hurt and he doesn’t understand why I can’t just let it all go.

Some of the things said to me in his most depressed moments (due to his medical condition and lack of desire for sexual contact):

* I can’t feel anything you must be too loose for me. Maybe you should try Kegals. (I already do kegals)
* I just can’t get off with you, “so and so” didn’t have a problem.
* It’s a chore to have sex.
* I have been willing myself for months into having sex and I just don’t feel anything. Now I just can’t will myself anymore into sex.

Add “with you” to all of those statements and that is how I feel when I hear those. I know it isn’t me, I know it’s just his lack of sexual desire due to his medical condition. However it stings and hurts just the same.

I feel undesired sexually. I feel like there must be something wrong with me, even though I know it’s not. I feel hurt and betrayed from the harsh words uttered even if they aren’t true.

It is harder to deal with the negative talking when I don’t get the positive physical attention to uplift myself and counter the negativity.

December 30, 2013

How times change

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — slimpickins @ 2:10 pm

My Oh My how times change… First I fell deeply in love, then he freaked out and ruined the honeymoon period. Then in reaction to all his negativity and comments about how I was “too much” and I needed to calm down I started to pull back and smile less. Then I started to cater to him and forget about myself and my happiness but still love him with all my heart and soul. Now I am tired of being unhappy and crying. I am tired of not smiling or having fun. I am tired of no intimacy and the wide space between us.

I did something I never thought I would do again. I purchased a bathrobe to wear around the house to and from the shower. I feel odd being naked in the house and around him now. I feel like I need to hide myself since we aren’t kissing or having any physical ness. It just seems wrong to be naked anymore.

I used to hear “I love you” all the time and now I rarely do. We used to kiss all the time and enjoy it immensely. Now I get an obligatory on the mouth peck before work (sometimes) and maybe if I am lucky it comes with a hug), usually it’s a kiss on the forehead and a noogie. He used to call me by my nickname he gave me, now I am just the GF or girlfriend.

I feel like we went from lovers to friends to roommates. I don’t know if we are still friends but I know that we aren’t lovers anymore. I don’t know if we can ever be again.

December 26, 2013

How do you come back from a sexless relationship?

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — slimpickins @ 12:17 pm

How do you come back from a sexless relationship? How long do you stay in a relationship when you don’t get sex and you want it? What does your relationship mean when there is no intimacy, are you just friends and roommates or are you still in a relationship?

The longer the relationship goes on the more the thoughts go through my mind. Will we ever have sex again? Will I wait that long? Can I wait that long? Do I really deserve more than what I get?

How long will it take “IF” he goes to both mental therapy and to the doctor to work on the physical problems? Am I thinking another 6 months +… How do you go years without sex in a relationship and still be happy and content? I am not happy nor am I content. I love him and I enjoy spending time with him, but I still want and desire more from him and it hurts me that I can’t get it (regardless of the reason).

Edit/Update: Me and my mathiness have been calculating how much of the relationship has been sexless and how much has been negative. The results made me sad.

Time Together in a Relationship: 15 months
Honeymoon Stage: 3 months (20%)
Sexless Relationship: 5 months (33%)
Negative/Struggling/Little to no Sex: 7 months (46%)

December 16, 2013

Questions about Sex…

Do you ever wonder if other people have sex the same way you do?

Do you ever wonder what is normal when it comes to sex?

When it comes to sexual health – what is normal and why is it difficult to talk to your doctor about it?

When you have pain with your sexual organs why is it so hard to talk to your doctor about it?

Now the big question that I need help answering…

What do you do when you want/desire sex with your partner but they don’t even think about it, let alone want it or desire it? What do you do when your partner feels nothing during sex and only does it to make you happy? What do you do when your partner has pain in their sexual organs but doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it?

I am not a person to go out of the relationship and cheat or do it willingly. I want to only be sexual with my partner.

Why do I feel guilty for staying with someone that doesn’t/can’t have sex and doesn’t get help? Why do I feel guilty for wanting to have sex with them? Why is not having sex more of an issue than having too much sex?

Can you have a good relationship when there is no sex? What if there is no intimacy?

Please only respond if you have some good honest advice. I have been working with my therapist on things, but I feel I need to branch out.

November 12, 2013

Competition…. not my style

Filed under: Emotional Stuffs — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — slimpickins @ 3:03 pm

I am tired of being in competitions with other women. I am tired of not being a willful part in the competition. I am tired of not competing and yet still being in a competition. I no longer care if you put me in a competition, I am not competing. Do what you want, when you want, with who you want.

Leave me out of it unless it’s just the two of us… I AM DONE!

Why do the men in my life feel like I want to compete with other women for their attention or affection? Why do I allow myself to be in this place to begin with? Family or Boyfriend or Friend… I don’t care anymore…. no more will I compete for your time or affection. No longer will I let you use me or us against these other women. I am not a pawn to be played with; I am a women with feelings and I am taking them back.

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