Hugs and cuddles are what I miss. How will I survive once you are gone for good? Will you leave me for good or somehow will you stay?

When I think about you I am happy.

You brighten my day and darken my night.

You are my rock, what will I do with you?

Sadness overwhelms my heart and permeates my soul.

Nothing can be done, everything can be done.

Confusion is now a regularity.

Love and happiness are an illusion.

Warmth and comfort elude me.

Nightmares control my sleep and night.

Duty guides my day.

HDMI Cable
Day at spa
Camping trip
Night out dancing

No matter where I am I am frozen.

As every day goes by, you are always in my heart and mind. Even though you are no longer a part of this reality, you visit me often to make sure I am taken care of. Ginger and I are grateful for these check-ins. You have taught me a lot about myself and our time together will always remain a part of who I am today. I will always carry your love with me.

We had some fabulous times together and I did not treat you in the end the way that I should have. I feel horrible for what I did and that I was never able to tell you how much you meant to me before you passed away. I was saddened and honored when your mother called to tell me how much I meant to you up until the day of your untimely death. I never meant to cause you harm and I never meant to completely turn my back on you. I am glad that you cleaned up your life just before your passing. I will always carry your love with me.

To all of you men who have harmed me, physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually. I am sorry that you made the bad decisions that led to your actions or words of hate. I do not hate you, I wish you all the best and hope that you have taken all this time to better yourself and improve your choices/decisions. I do not wish to ever see you again, but I am sure that is for the best. Thank you for the life lessons you have given me and the strength that has come from the pain you caused to me. My physical scars have healed and my emotional scars will continue to heal as time passes by.

Hmmm which am I? I would say that I am problably 30% Optimistic and 70% Pessimistic.  I used to be 70% Optimistic and 30% Pessimistic but I think that these last few years have turned me around;  all the deaths of people close to me, all the added stress of work, all the added stress of school and having to finish, losing my partner, Ginger getting sick, etc have all contributed.

I am sure that friends or lack there of has attributed as well. I am sure all the family turmoil hasn’t helped. I am sure that quiting smoking did not help. I am sure that my ENDO issues are not helping. I am sure that hating where I live isn’t helping. I am sure that feeling cramped everywhere and always being in the way isn’t helping either. I am sure that my lack of sleep and increase in nightmares has not helped either. I am sure that my lack of free time due to work and school has not helped either.

What does help? Getting out and away from everything. When I can just pack up and leave I feel the best. When I can have a face to face conversation with someone that does not revolve around sex or me. When I am not being told what I need to do. When I am not being told how to run my life and that I can’t seem to do it myself (If I couldn’t run it wouldn’t I be dead?) When I can fill up my day with excitement and laughter. When I don’t have to drive (I used to love to drive then the last 11 years I have had to drive everyone everywhere and now I hate it). When I have someone to share things with.

Pain and nightmares is not any better than not sleeping at all to begin with.

Word to the wise, men or women alike if someone you know is in pain or unhappy this is when a compliment, small caress or back rub goes a long way.

When I am in pain or unhappy I feel like a demon and unattractive and undesired. Guess what folks, yes that is right, I am in pain alot so I feel this a lot. It means more to me then, even if I shrug it off than when I am all gussied up. In fact I hate hearing it when I am gussied up becuase that makes me feel extra un-attractive when I am in pain and stuffs.

I am so done with all of this pain and uncomfortableness. Someone has to have a way to put it to rest, right???

I have always been severly underweight and riddled with sickness. I was born without my ear bones fully formed (they should be the only bones fully formed when you are born). I was allergic to breast milk so formula it was for me. I had tons and tons of ear infections and couldn’t hear until I got tubes in my ears at the age of 3.

Mostly how I remember my childhood is being at home sick or at the doctors office. I lived at Dr. Bader’s office and they all knew me by name. It seemed to be an ear infection, the flu, a cold, a sinus infection, bronchitis, mono or even once scarlett fever. I missed a lot of school every year due to illness which sucked as I loved school (it wasn’t challenging and you go to talk to your friends all day). When I get a fever it is usually around 104 +, which isn’t often thank goodness.

The only good part is that my body must have already knew that I would also have womanly issues, becuase even as a young child I didn’t want to have a child and be a mother. My mom tells stories of me playing house or Barbies (pre-school aged) and either hiding the child (it didn’t exist) or saying the kids were  friends children that I was babysitting. I used to lie and tell people I couldn’t have children becuase the “pity” was easier to stomach than the “hatred” of not wanting them. Once it was official that I couldn’t have children, I didn’t have to lie anymore. Why must the world hate you if you decide you don’t want any children? Why does the world feel that every woman should have at least one child? Some women like me aren’t built for them physically and some aren’t built for them mentally (like some I know).

I have grown up with “pity” for either my medical issues, my mental disability, or “hatred” for not wanting children. I didn’t like myself for the longest time, because I listened to everyone one else (outside of family/friends). I tried to kill myself many times, yet none of them worked. Even a few stumped the doctors as to how I survived. I think this is becuase I am meant for something or someone else later, though I have no idea what/who that is.

Scientifically speaking, I should have never been born. I should have died off due to illness. I should not be here today, but that is all thanks to medical science. Which makes me think, with medical science interupting the natural order of things, is it the sole cause of overpopulation?

I learned to like myself through youth group at LEC. I will always cherish those wonderful people who took me in, under their wing, and showed me what it meant to love another person unconditionally for who they are (faults, flaws, achievements and all). They showed me that embracing your strange quirks or weirdness was not a plague and that there were others like me. Others with illness problems, mental disabilities, social disorders, physical disorders, etc. that were just as special as those without them.

I am harder on myself than anyone else ever will be. I don’t put up with physical or sexual abuse (too much in my past). I tend to put up with more emotional abuse that I should, but it is harder to see. I push myself to be the best I can be everyday, expecially acedemically. I let myself down more than anyone else can.

I love myself and I know who I am. I sometimes get off track, but don’t we all?

I am Bree. I am Breanna. I am Bray-Bray. I am Bugs. I am Tigger. I am BMW. I am me. I am sickly. I am tough. I am strong. I am able to handle pain like a champ. I am able to endure. I am a fighter. I am a giver. I am logical. I am literal. I will lose my hearing. I will not have children. I will love those around me fiercely. I will let those that I love know how much they mean to me. I have no sense of time, which keeps things interesting. I am very black and white (but items can jump sides).

What does this all mean? Scientifically speaking I should not have lived per the natural order of things, but medical science has kept me alive. (YAY!!!) I am a bad woman becuase I have no desire to procrate and make little babies. I phsyically cannot have children, thank goodness I can’t pass these medical issues on to another child to go through what I had to. This all means that I am a good human; however, I am one hell of an amazing person and that is all that really matters in the end.

One of these days I would like to find my mate, the other half to my life coin. Someone that I can share all of my life trials and tribulations with. Someone who can understand where I have come from and how I have risen above those obsticles. Someone who can be patient with me as I learn how to be softer and nicer on myself. Someone who compliments me in every way. Someone who can understand that my experiences have influenced my beliefs, my morals, my values and my outlook on things and accept them even if they disagree.

I also was able to get out to Tulalip and visit the Seattle Outlet Stores. I went to LeSportsac looking for a specific item. They did not have the item, but said they expect them in 2-3 months. I did get dimensions and an idea of what it’s like and I can hardly wait. I did however buy myself some Lucky Brand Jeans. I got the size that normally fits and seemed comfortable when trying on (even with room for washing), however after washing they are a bit tight. They still fit, but are kinda tough to get up and on. I may actually need to go up a size there. YAY!!!!

Last night I watched a movie on Netflix that I hadn’t heard of before but it was an outstanding German film based on a true story. The movie was called, “As Far As My Feet Will Carry Me”. If you don’t mind subtitles or understand enough German to get by without it, then this is a good movie to watch.

Yesterday was a bad pain day, but I figured it was just more clots and shrugged it off like always. Don’t worry that I had a slight fever yesterday morning (not abnormal for me) or that I have been bleeding for 3 weeks now (also not abnormal). I cried a few times like normal, but again thought nothing strange was going on.

When I went to the bathroom before bed (around 10:30 pm) I looked down into my pad and was shocked to see pink tissue in there with a few clots.  I took a picture immediately and called my mom and sent her the picture and asked if she knew what this was. While I was talking to her I grabbed a toothpick and unrolled the tissue to see that it was a thin sheet of tissue not a ball like I first thought. I shared this information with my mom. She advised me to go to the ER, however with my new insurance I have to call an advice nurse first. So I called in and talked for an hour. They are not worried about it being an emergency issue, however they aren’t sure why I would be passing tissue. The thought is that either this is uterine lining (endometrial lining) or a ruptured endometrioma (endometrial cyst).  The pain has not subsided even after passing the shedded tissue.

Took an 800 mg Motrin and tried to sleep. This did not work well, but a few hours is better than nothing. I got up and made my way into work; slowly but surely.

Got my call from the OB/GYN department this morning. They are sure this is the shedding of the Uterine wall behind the endometrial lining. They are confused as to why my body would shed this, but not concerned enough to call it an emergency. I have an appt with them at the earliest time slot; 10/17 at 3pm. Now if the cramping pain increases or my fever worsens then I need to get to Urgent Care.

I really hate being a woman, can’t you just take out that stupid useless organ called a Uterus?? I only need ovaries for the hormones, not that darn uterus anyways.

Someone please help me save myself from my body.

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