Annoyed and Upset

This has not been my year and it seems things just keep getting worse. I used to be an optimistic person, carefree and happy. Over the last year and a half I feel that I have slipped into a pessimistic stage, always stressed and unhappy.

I feel like I hate 90% of my life, and I don’t like that feeling. Today has been the only Friday the 13th in the history of my life that has not brought me good news. This is very upsetting to me, as I generally love Friday the 13th.

Things at work aren’t exactly going in the direction that I want them to. School and work take up all of my time, so I don’t see my friends or family when I want to. I have to struggle and strategize my time with everyone in order to spend any time with anyone.

I need to make some changes, but I am not sure which changes to make. Grrr…. this is crappy.

Feeling Sad and Depressed

So far this year has been the crappiest year ever. My beloved grandmother passed away last November (a few weeks before Thanksgiving). Then came January and my ex-boyfriend passed away. For some reason this hit me a lot harder than I expected. He was only 26 years old, granted he had been battling End-Stage Renal Failure for most of his life, but it still was quite a shock.

I have not felt the same anymore. I am torn between my brain tells me that I need to do and what my heart says I should do. I seem to be less optimistic about things as I used to be. I seem to get upset and agitated at every little thing. Am I just getting worn out and tired of the same ol same old routine? Am I taking on too many task at once? Is work and school too much for me handle?

Maybe I just need to listen more to my heart and less with my brain. So how would one go about making that switch??

Need to get out dancing…

Okay… so I have been neglectful of my dancing lately (like the most of the last 2 years). I want (scratch that I need) to get out and do more dancing. Only a few problems, 1. the spot needs to be close (damn gas costs) and 2. the spot needs to be free (saving money for the move) and 3. finding someone to go with me that will get out and dance too (I get shy by myself). Please let me know suggestions on places in or around the Renton area. If you would like to get out, let me know. I am even okay with some travel up some places if people are willing to in turn travel back down this way. I was thinking of most likely Saturday Nights (as that is when I am most likely to have the time.

Please let me know of places, or let me know if you are interested.

Just another day

Well it’s been a while since I have blogged. I have been busy with work and other personal things. Most things in my life right now are wonderful, but as always a few are just okay. Once some things get straightened out I will be on top of the world. Well so to speak, anyways.

I am getting excited about my trip to Disneyland in May. I haven’t been there since I was 7 (about 22 years ago). I am excited to see the changes and enjoy some good ‘ol rides and fun. Now keep in mind that I am going with my father and his wife, so not too much fun can be had. I am sad to leave Ginger at home with Tyler for the trip, but I know that she will be in good hands.

Speaking of Tyler, I love him soooo much. He is a great guy, but at times I can tell his age and see sparks of immaturity *but he’s a guy, isn’t that normal?*

Stress… lessens and rises continually

So, where to start?? How about somewhere near the beginning… So my roommate is gone, as of 12/02/07. So I am technically back to paying all the rent myself and having my own apartment. I think that unless my significant other decised to move in, then Ginger and I will be happy as clams living together. We seem to do better with no roommate (does not include a S.O.) unless we really need that extra money. Which frankly I’d love to have.

Things with me and my beau are great. He doesn’t technically live with me (yet) but he hardly ever leaves. We have been seeing each other for almost 5 months (Jan 8th is close to 5 months). I can’t believe that 1) I have been seeing someone for 5 monts and he just this last month met my bro and mom, 2) I have been seeing someone for 5 months and we have not had a single arguement, major disagreement, fight, etc. This is all new to me, but I am happy about the newness of it all.

I thought I had lowered my stress levels, so I needed to do something to bring them back up (J/K sorta) so I have begun the quitting smoking process. I am not smoking at work and when I do smoke I am down to 4-5 a day. I believe that in the new year I will quit all together. So… Look out and if I get to snippy or mean, just tell me. I may not even be aware that I am doing it. Well… wish me luck…

Stress Never Ends…

So… I had a decent Turkey Day. I spent actual Turkey Day in Salem with my grandma, uncle, aunt, cousins, mom and my brother. Then I spent the rest of the weekend at Seaside on the Oregon coast with my dad, his wife, my brother, my step-brother and my step-grandma. It was a pretty decent trip and I even got some Christmas Shopping.

I didn’t have e-mail access so I  had to wait until I got home to see what anyone had e-mailed me or anything like that. Wouldn’t you know it, I come home to a bad e-mail. My roommate, (who decided earlier that she wanted to move out in January instead of stay for the whole lease that ends in June) sent me an e-mail that she can’t afford to pay rent for December. Now mind you this give me 7 days to come up with the $480 that is her part of rent. She said that if I would cover it then she would pay me back over the next 3 weeks. She still owes me money from Septembers rent I borrowed her and she doesn’t want to pay utilities if she is not at the house (but still has things plugged in).

There is no way that I can come up with $480 extra in 7 days. So I advised her that unfortunately I cannot come up with that amount by the 1st of the month. Then I advised her that I had no choice but to ask her to either pay rent in full by the first or to move her stuff out by the 1st (so that I could have someone else take over the 7 months left on the lease as a roomie). I do have one option that might consider it, but not without full use of the room. (Now lets hope that they will take the offer, otherwise I have to borrow it from family. I hate doing that anyways, but it’s worse being so close to Christmas)

I guess I should feel bad since my roommate is my best friend, but she put herself in this position. If she wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to act like one and pay her fair share of the bills, and if she can’t then she needs to remove her stuff so that someone else can.

Job….

So I had my meeting with HR today and they offered me the job starting 12/31/2007 at more pay than I was expecting. Plus benefits go into effect immediately, 1/1/2008. I am soooo happy!!!!!

T-mobile Interview and Work updates

So I went to the T-mobile interview on Friday afternoon. Since I don’t really want the job, I found it hard to put all that good energy into what I said. I still feel that  it was a good interview and that when they notify me (beginning of December) that I have the job if I want it. Though I don’t really want it.

I came in to work today and found that I had a present left on my chair by my boss. A new laptop configured for wireless… YEAH this means that I can take it with me to training sessions, trips to work in Shawna’s office with her and to take home and work if I need to. Oh and I have a meeting with HR today right when I get off work (wish me luck this may be my offer for perm employment).

Empty Numbness

Empty Numbness ~ 11/09/07

My body is numb,
From the flooding of contradicting emotions.
Happiness, Contentment, Sadness, and Grief,
Do I ride the roller coaster or run and hide with fear?

I feel empty,
How do I feel empty and yet so much all at the same time?
On the verge of tears,
Or not…who knows.

Confusion, Worry and Stress are longtime friends,
Is it time to say goodbye? Can I ever really say goodbye?
Friends come and friends go,
Sometimes it is out of our hands.

Fresh start bringing new hopes, dreams, life and a future,
Yet awareness of past brings old feelings to surface.
Sadness for what may be,
Grief of possible loss on the horizon.

Ashamed for things falling into place on my palette,
Fear of security and happiness overwhelms.
Guilt at being semi-healthy,
Sorrow that I can’t quite shake.

Diving deep into a new world,
Surrounded, cared about and loved.
Uncharted territory entered without much fear,
Knowing that it will all work out, shows growth.

Desire to let go and fall,
Trying not to hold back.
Avoiding unfounded urges to flee,
Allowing myself to go with the flow of life.

My body lost to empty numbness,
Flooded with contradicting emotions.
Happiness, Contentment, Sorrow, Guilt, Fear, and Shame,
Do I go with the tunnel and come out stronger or search for another path less traveled?

Interview…

So I have my interview with T-mobile on Friday 11/16 at 3pm. I called the temp agency to let them know and it seems negotiations for me to become perm with Concur have already started. Stephanie (at accountemps) is under the interpretation that they want me to go perm either the end of the year or the beginning of the new year. So everything is in motion, now we wait and see.

 Update – I have officially applied for a permanent position at Concur. I should hear shortly I hope on if I will become a permanent member of the Concur team or not.